It is surreal.

I can't believe I'm going through this stage in my life.  When I hit the pillow at night, I had to pinch myself to ascertain if all this is just a bad dream.  Even my waking moments are surreal.  I can't believe that God will allow such an atrocity to befall me.  What have I done, God?  What could I have possibly done?

My mind wandered without an anchor.  On good days, a calm serenity enshrouds me.  Isn't this what you wanted?  Didn't you tell God that between your husband and yourself, you wanted to be the first to go?  Why then the protest?

Bad days cascade over me like an annoying cough which wouldn't let me be.  A stray memory from a distant past. A memory which left an indelible mark on me.  I remembered her name - Dayang.  It was an unusual name.  Strange that I carried this picture in my mind through the years.  Late 90s it was.  Dayang was a staff of a finance company right next door to my office.  She was probably a Melanau.    I wouldn't know.  She's fair of face, pretty and I remembered her as being a little on the bosomy side.  There was also whispers about an affair,  a forbidden office romance or some such thing.  Not that it matters.

Dayang died of breast cancer.  The story goes that her death was so agonising that she screamed about being burnt alive.  It wasn't a pretty picture to carry in one's mind.  If my time is up, this is not the way I want to go.  I would like to have a calm smile upon my face as I walked with Jesus and/or God towards the bright light. I don't want to walk alone.