My fingers hurt but the need to write surpasses this pain. I have to give form to the thoughts in my head before it vanishes into the void. It will be days before this post see the light of day. I can only write a few lines each day and there is so much spelling and grammatical errors to correct.
It is at times like this that you appreciate your fingers and be thankful for them. Consider what cannot be done without fingers. You can't brush your teeth or scratch yourself. You can't pick up that pill or handle this zip or button. You can't cook or scrub yourself. Forget the laundry or household chores. Virtually everything is off limits.
The pain worsen once the steroids wore off. This time it's different. Water retention made my fingers swollen and contact with water aggravates the sensation. It hurts even as I tapped on the keyboard, some fingers more than the others. Disposable gloves didn't help. It still hurts and twice as much when I peeled off the gloves.
Then, there's the flat of my foot. It hurts when I walked. I'm wearing bedroom slippers which helped to some extend. I kept wondering why my floors were dirty. It wasn't. I found out when I closely examine the flat of my foot. Certain parts had skin peeling off. It was grainy all over, specks of white sporadically placed. It's grainy in between toes too. These had to be dead cells from the massacre. I'm sorry. I should have spared you this graphic detail but you wouldn't know what I went through if I had.
Constipation was the next issue. Probiotics and prune juice proved futile. I discovered suppositories and stool softeners. It helped. Eight days after the chemotherapy, I went to the other end of the spectrum. I started purging once again. The eighth day is the worst because that's the time when your WBC is at its lowest and you are most vulnerable to infection. I did have a modest flu despite my self-imposed "confinement." My oncologist told me to lay off fruits, vegetable and anything high fibred to tame the diarrhoea.
I did not have any body aches since I laid off the fresh coconuts. Considering this, there must be some link between them. To each his own.
Due to water retention, the walls of your mouth becomes vulnerable so it is important to watch your diet. In previous treatment, I hadn't been quite as careful. If you take anything fried, it aggravates the walls of your mouth which quickly triggered an infection. The WBC count being where it is after the chemo, a simple infection will quickly take you to a full blown ulcer situation. Biotene is a mouthwash which helped prevent this. It contained enzymes and protein for some reason. If the damage is done, there's Bonjela. Still, it took about a week for the ulcers to ease away.
General fatigue is inevitable. With the massacre going on inside you, your resources are being redirected to rebuild and reorganise. Plenty of rest is therefore crucial.
Then, there's the tongue.The Marie Antoinette Syndrome hit my tongue. It turned stark white.
Speaking of the Marie Antoinette Syndrome, it certainly did not look like my hair is going to turn black after the chemotherapy. Let me explain myself. Myth substantiated or otherwise, many breast cancer survivors claimed that their white hair turned black once the chemotherapy treatment ended. One interesting report from a young lady will have us believe that her hair turned curly. I liked the idea of curly black hair so I looked forward to the end of the session. I'll keep you posted on this.
Shooting pains in my recent wound is something I could not explain. This happened after every treatment and raises questions I no longer answer.
Despite the thunderstorm and strong gusts of wind outside, I was on fire most of the time, feeling hot and stuffed up. The general malaise wore me down.
Gastric and heartburn, not to be outdone joined the unhappy foray. A steaming hot cup of Milo usually placates but not always.
With so many things going wrong, it was inevitable that I plunged into the depths of despair.
* WBC (White Blood Cells)
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